Through several conversations with my daughter over the past few days, I’ve realized that my baby wants a baby. She keeps asking when we will have a baby. A few months ago she drew a picture and told me that it was her and her baby sister. And now she is asking me every day if we can have a real baby. She has been playing with her baby dolls a lot lately, more than the animals. She is so gentle with them- well, except when she is dragging them by the hair- and she feeds them and buckles them in the car seat. Today when I was cleaning up her play room, she said “I’ll be right back, I have to check my babies diaper.”
So, later today, this was our conversation:
Annabelle: WHEN can we have a baby Mommy?
Me: Why do you want to have a baby? I wouldn’t be able to sleep with you if we had a new baby
Annabelle: Who would snuggle with me?
Me: You would have to snuggle with your babies
Annabelle: I want to sleep with the new baby
Me: You can’t sleep with the baby, it would have to sleep in the crib
Annabelle: In my room?
Me: No, the other room
Annabelle: What room?
Me: The one with the computer
Annabelle: I will go in there when you are sleeping and get the baby and take it to my bed to snuggle with it, will you come check on the baby?
Me: You wouldn’t be able to, it would be safe
Annabelle: I would do it
My close friends and family know that we have been trying to have a baby. For 28 months. So, it’s not that we don’t want to give her a baby sister or brother, it’s that it just isn’t happening. We did have a hard time getting pregnant with her. We spent 2 years undergoing all kinds of tests and taking medications and just being let down every month. So this time I am not doing the drugs. Annabelle was not conceived on drugs. We were off of drugs for the month and had an appointment for in-vitro fertilization. The specialist was skipping a few other options because he said they wouldn’t work because of my “hostile” environment.
I attribute my daughter to the help I received from my chiropractor. I was seeing her for 3 months when I ended up pregnant. I’m pretty sure that is what it will take this time. When I told my OBGYN that I didn’t want to take the medication, she was not nice to me. So I found a new one and he was more understanding. He still referred me to a specialist, but he understood my preferences not to take the medication.
My reason for not wanting the medication, is that I don’t like the way it made me feel And i am not big on filling my body with any kind of chemical. My last OBGYN then said to me “well how did you feel when you were pregnant? Wasn’t it the same thing?” And my response to that was no, I was a happy pregnant woman. My sister used to get mad at me and say “why are you so happy when you are pregnant???” And I just was. I felt good!
I have not seen the specialist yet. First I have to enroll in an infertility program through my insurance that involves weekly hour long phone calls with a phone counselor. That would be hard for me to keep up with since my daughter is not too keen on me being on the phone, and she doesn’t nap. And the specialists are all at least 30 minutes away by car. So, I am just going to keep praying and try to remember that it will happen when it’s meant to happen. (Although I know this, it’s not something I like to hear from other people so thanks in advance for not commenting and telling me it will happen when it happens, and to relax- maybe I will write a post about what NOT to say to an infertile next week. 🙂 ) My mom always tells me God was just taking his time finding the perfect child for me. So he must be picking out another one for me- hopefully one that sleeps 🙂
I’m not sure how God will find a more perfect-for-me child than this energetic little girl, but I’m sure that He is up for the challenge.
I know this isn’t normally what I write about, and I won’t write about it often- but it is part of my life. I just try to live in the moment and appreciate the child I already have and not focus on one that I don’t have.
Do your kids have fun conversations with you like this?