My collapse…

I spent two days on my back.  On the floor.  With ice under my back.  Watching TV (after I had my husband show me twice how to work it, and screwing it up once and having him have to fix it…).  I haven’t watched anything on TV in probably 2 years.  Nothing that I chose anyways- kid things don’t count.

I woke up on a Monday in a lot of pain.  But I figured I could walk it off.  So I went to work.  My boss looked at me and said “go home” and I said “I’m fine…let me just walk around a little bit.”  Then I went walking through the hallways.  My left leg buckled but I caught myself.  I was walking so gingerly that our foster grandparent asked if I needed assistance.  I decided I needed to go lay on a heating pad for awhile and maybe I could make it back in the afternoon.

But it got worse.  I ended up having my husband drive me to the chiropractor a few hours later and she was alarmed at my state.  She said absolutely NO lifting my child, or anything for that matter.  And ice.  ICE!  It’s winter!  I was like you are crazy!  But I listened. Because I was in so much pain.

I told her I was dancing the next day at school.  For the students.  We choreographed this special dance….and yeah, no dancing 😦  My friend who was the other choreographer came over after school and brought me Ibeprofen.  That shows how desperate I was.  I hate taking pain meds, but I needed it to function.  She went to Target to get it for me because they are the only ones that label their medicines gluten free.

Tuesday seemed almost worse.  I stayed home.  Evelyn’s babysitter picked up both kids.  I laid on ice all day.  And tried not to cry every time I had to get up to pee.  I went back to the chiropractor later in the day and she said it was getting a little better, but she would see me the next day.  I told her I was going to work.  She said ok.

Wednesday I went to work.  Evelyn’s babysitter picked us up.  I got out of the car at student drop off and my principal took my bag.  When I asked for it back he handed it to a student and told them not to give it to me, no matter what I said.  It was nice to have that help.

I didn’t know how long I would make it so I did what work I could on the last day of school before winter break. A friend brought me an ice pack that strapped around me in a very tight fashion.  That helped.  A LOT!  I had it on when I went to the chiropractor that morning.  She was glad to see me walking better.  But she still said see you tomorrow….

I ended up making it through the whole day!

I’ve been on the upswing since then.  But I still haven’t carried Evelyn around.  She’s handling it better and better, and we do a lot of cuddling sitting down.  I’m not sure how it will go when it’s time to be back at work.  Most mornings I hold her while I’m getting ready.  I put her down to shower and then put her down when she gets in her car seat.

I carry my children until I drop.  Literally.  I told my mom recently that I was going to collapse with exhaustion soon.  Well, it happened.  I collapsed. Not just physically, but mentally also.  It is so hard for me to not be able to do what I want, when I want.  And I’ve been going full speed ahead for WAY too long, without giving myself a break in any way.

Some of my tears last week were from physical pain, and some weren’t.  My house was very quiet and I was able to think about how I was not taking care of myself.  I was neglecting myself in order to take care of others.

I collapsed.  But I got back up again.  And I’m working on taking better care of myself.  Starting with making chiropractic visits a priority.

Next will be exercise.  This isn’t a New Year’s Resolution.  I don’t make those.  This is an “I collapsed and need to change my ways” revelation.  I can’t take care of those I love if I don’t take care of myself first.

Have you ever literally collapsed from the weight of life?


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